Eat. Pray. Live.

My heart hurts today.

I watched Eat. Pray. Love. today with my mom and sister. And when I watched it, i realized how much i wanted to be like Julia Roberts...

..realizing that her whole life has been for someone else..

..realizing that she has either been in a relationship or breaking up with someone...

..realizing that she never had that "in between"...

..realizing that she has never truly been alone.

Since I was a freshman in high school, I have been chained to someone else. I was someone else's Kaitlin... never my own. I was Blake's, then Michael's. Never just Kaitlin.

"But you [Americans] don't know pleasure. You have to be told you've earned it. You see a commercial that says: 'It's Miller Time!' And you say, That's right, now I'm going to buy a six pack. And then drink the whole thing and wake up the next morning and you feel terrible. But an Italian doesn't need to be told. He walks by a sign that says: You deserve a break today. And he says, Yes, I know. "

I've earned pleasure. I deserve to be cared for and loved and to be selfish. I don't like the thought of it... which might actually be the problem...

*sigh*

"We call it "dolce far niente", the sweetness of doing nothing."

i think i might be starting my life today...